As a parent, are we ever free from self-doubt? I think not. There are so many variables of how to parent. Love and discipline in equal measures, balancing discipline with allowing them to be themselves, being intentional without hovering. How is a human parent meant to find the exact line between extremes?
I constantly feel like I haven’t disciplined my children enough, like they have bad manners, not enough work ethic, and they are messy. But when I reign them in, I feel like I am a dragon parent who never allows them to just be themselves. I am constantly under condemnation about how I parent. How do I escape this cycle? I know I can never be the perfect parent, I am human, so that’s impossible. But I need at least a semblance of contentment in being a good enough parent who covers most of the bases, most of the time, most especially because when Mommy’s happy, the atmosphere is conducive to learning and fulfillment.
It escalates when you start to homeschool your four children. Honestly now, how can anyone possibly teach four children of varying ages and stages well? I’m doomed to feel like a failure. Every . Single . Day .
I can’t do this. I really can’t. I will never be able to. Only God can. But God can only do it THROUGH me, and only if I let Him. I have had moments where I have surrendered to God, confessed that I cannot do it myself and asked for His grace to cover me, and then experienced in amazement how His power flowed through me, and the whole day just runs beautifully. Unfortunately, I still very much oscillate between working extremely hard all by myself and failing, and allowing God to do it through me as I trust in Him. But today I am not experiencing any breakthrough in this. God’s grace doesn’t seem to be free flowing today.
I know the problem doesn’t lie with God.
So clearly the problem lies with me, or with what I allow my mind to dwell on.
It is a miracle that God can work through us. That His eye is on the detail, as well as the big picture.
Today I am learning that even when I don’t get all the detail, even when all the details don’t add up, in Christ, Mathematics doesn’t work that way. So big is He, that even when I drop all the little balls, when I don’t free flow in Him, when I fail and am being a bad mom, that He is always a good Father. His grace covers my failures, He catches all my balls, He fills in all the gaps. And in the meantime, through all my failings, I am growing and learning and constantly reminded that only God is God. What a huge miracle when at the end of the race, we get a medal we don’t deserve. Only under God’s grace, can a long string of bad parenting result in a well adapted, healthy adult.
Thank you God, that my children’s well being is not only dependent upon me, but us.